The Hottest of Messes

The story of watching A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon begins with my quest to find the movie. Since we subscribe to eleventy-million streaming sites, I thought for sure it would be on one of them, but no luck. Fine, I thought, I'll rent it, but neither Amazon nor iTunes carried the title. Will I have to buy this movie? I said to myself. My search on Amazon yielded a VHS copy that could be mine for the sweet, sweet price of $52 USD. Since I don't even have a VHS player, this was not a viable option.

A portent of things to come
Photo Credit: Toby Hudson

At this point my husband took over the search because he is better at internetting than I am. He was able to find a DVD copy for the more reasonable price of $12 that could ship from the UK. He ordered it, but then had another look online, and Vimeo offered up the director's cut, available for streaming. Thankfully he was able to cancel the DVD order because, spoiler alert, no one needs two ways to watch this movie!

But wait, the version we found online was titled Aren't You Even Gonna Kiss Me Goodbye?. Is this even the same film? It stars River Phoenix, so I was committed, as either way it is required viewing for my completist project.

I came into this movie knowing virtually nothing about the film. All my assumptions were gleaned from this poster.

Highly misleading

This is clearly an 80s high-school romp comedy, yes? That is what I went in expecting, but I was the victim of sleazy Hollywood marketing, because this movie is NOT what it appears. 

Here's where I stopped to wonder if the director's cut that we watched deviated so significantly from the theatrical release as to feel like an entirely different movie. Of course, the way to solve this problem would be to watch the theatrical release (if it can be found), but that would mean watching the movie again, and that is just...something I'm not prepared for. 

Some quick Googling has led me to believe that the theatrical release doesn't deviate in plot, perhaps only in tone, and one reviewer suggested that the director's cut is significantly better than the theatrical release, and the director's cut is so very terrible that I need to never watch this movie again.

A quick summary: Phoenix plays the titular Jimmy Reardon, a pretentious 17 year old beat poet who is in love with Lisa's breasts Lisa. But Lisa won't immediately yield to him in the yard outside her parent's house, and so Jimmy has no choice but to have sex with EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE MOVIE! Here's an actual line from the movie that is used to justify Reardon putting his penis in any and all available holes - "a vague insistence came from my lap." A vague bit of puke just came from my stomach.

He has a best friend named Susie, who you know is his best friend because he says "Susie is my best friend," despite the fact that they have almost no scenes together, exchange perhaps three or four lines, and it is absolutely irrelevant to the plot that they are friends. But still, we know, because of that sparkling dialogue.

The movie (and this may be the director's cut only) is narrated by Jimmy, except Jimmy, confusingly, sounds like a 56 year old smoker who owes you money.

Also, this movie introduced Matthew Perry.

Listen, if you haven't guessed yet, this movie is an incoherent and indulgent pile of absolute garbage, and I'm going to dive into some of the worst offences. If this is as far as you make, your take away should be that you should never watch this movie. Please let my suffering have been for something.

Is this a pile of garbage or A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon?
Doesn't matter.

Nothing is examined in this movie. It's ostensibly about class and wealth (Reardon's family is working-class and he has to pay for college; his friends are all rich), but the movie doesn't look beyond Reardon feeling that a great injustice has occurred in the world because he isn't fabulously wealthy without putting in any work. The only people of colour are literal servants, and that problematic situation is left un-examined. 

And the women! Jimmy claims to love Lisa and want to be with her, but fondles every breast he sees, and never feels remorse, never examines how he treats women. Does he make a horrendous "joke" about raping Lisa to try and make another dude angry? Yes he does. Does he chase Lisa and pin her to the ground when she wants to get away from him? Oh yes he does. It's not just Phoenix's character who has such contempt for women either. At one point, Jimmy's dad calls him a "son of a bitch," which is a lot to unpack. Jimmy's mother just sighs and returns to the stove. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

About two thirds of the way through the movie my husband asked me if I thought people actually talked like this in the 1960s, and I said, "this movie is set in the 80s," and that's when I learned that I had missed a title card at the beginning telling us that it was 1962 AND I HAD NO IDEA.

I'll give the word on the 1962 setting to Rotten Tomatoes commenter Pete Vonder Haar:

He's right about the hair, but wrong in his generous rating

The movie was released in 1988 but filmed in 1986 which means Phoenix was 16, possibly 17, when it was shot. Knowing this makes the already awkward sex scenes (and there are many) that much more difficult to stomach. I'm going to go on the record here that 17 year olds should never film sex scenes. I'm not saying that characters that age shouldn't be having sex, but dear god, don't make these poor children pull of their shirts and simulate unwieldy pelvic thrusts. No one needs that.

At one point I jotted down in my notebook that I wasn't rooting for anyone in this movie, and then I reflected on whether this movie might be the hairshirt I must endure, although it's unclear what I'm being punished for.

It also occurred to me that a 1980s movie with stilted unrealistic dialogue, multiple awkward and prolonged sex scenes, and a main character who screams "LISA!!!!" might be a precursor to Tommy Wiseau's 2003 film The Room. I have to believe Wiseau watched A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon and thought "yes, there's some good stuff in here."

You're Tearing Me Apart Lisa!

I hope that even boy-crazy teenage Amy would have had problems with this movie. Indeed, it might have lessened the glow that I saw around Phoenix in those days. But, in all likelihood, I would have just enjoyed his hair and seeing him without his shirt on. For remember, teenage Amy was quite superficial. 

I am hoping that A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon is the lowest point in my journey to watch all of River Phoenix's movies. Dear god, I hope it can't get worse than that. Next up is another film I've never seen and know nothing about, Little Nikita. Based on this trailer...

I am cautiously optimistic. 

1 Star: Misleading Title, Not Enough Mosquitos

Look, in a movie called The Mosquito Coast, I expect to at least once see someone swatting away a huge swarm of mosquitos buzzing around their head, maybe ingesting a few and then heaving in that really unattractive way we all do when we eat a bug. I figured there would at least be a sub-plot about malaria, but no, The Mosquito Coast contains none of that!

Imagine this coming at you. You'll have to imagine, because it isn't in the ding-dong movie!
Photo credit: Bill Gaultiere

This very serious and not-at-all frivolous complaint aside, The Mosquito Coast is a good movie, and you should watch it if you haven't already (heck, watch it again, I'll bet it holds up!). This post will contain only mild spoilers mostly pertaining to River Phoenix's character Charlie, so feel free to keep reading even if you haven't seen it. 

This movie is from 1986, so it's the same vintage Phoenix as Stand By Me (but this movie features, sadly, less Phoenix). Quick summary: Harrison Ford plays Allie Fox, River Phoenix's dad, and an inventor who thinks he's better than everyone, and is fed up with aspects of life such as having to do the job he was actually hired for, and not being able to buy products that were made in the USA! So, despite the many indications that this will not go well, he packs up his family (literally leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen sink) and takes them all by boat into the jungle where he can indulge in his white saviour fantasies and pontificate on the spiritual importance of ice. Allie is the worst kind of dude who thinks he's more open-minded and evolved than everyone else, but is really a racist a-hole.

I hadn't seen this movie before, and didn't know anything about it. In fact, based on my quick glance at this movie poster

I thought the movie starred Nick Nolte, even though it clearly says Harrison Ford above the title (Nick Nolte would have been a very bad choice for the role). When I learned from the credits that this movie also starred Helen Mirren and Martha Plimpton I said "yes please!" Although I would soon learn that even with these two powerhouse women, the film sadly, just like Phoenix's other two movies we've reviewed so far, does not pass the Bechdel Test. I still liked it, but stay tuned for my feminist complaint about Mirren's character.

Early teenaged Amy would have been enthralled by the possibility of romance that is suggested between Plimpton and Phoenix, however we will need to wait until the excellent Running on Empty to actually see that romance in action (fun fact, we also get to see Phoenix and Ford together again in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Phoenix plays a young Indy). Plimpton plays the daughter of a missionary, and she and Phoenix meet on the boat taking them to the jungle. Her flirting technique is flawless. She begins by simply offering herself to Phoenix as a girlfriend (he does not respond). She then lays down the excellent come-on line of "I think about you when I go to the bathroom." She is so committed to this line that she mouths it to him again once they have arrived and are about to go their separate ways. I am stunned that her approach didn't work, but I encourage all of you looking to snag a partner to try out her line. And then please, please, tell me what happens.

We see Plimpton only once more, near the end of the movie, when things are going poorly for Phoenix. He sneaks up to talk to her, at which point she declares "you look disgusting, you got smaller, and your hair is gross." Even though she is only on screen for a few brief minutes, I love everything about Plimpton's character. Had I seen this as a younger person, it's possible I would have tried to emulate her. It would have gone terribly.

Things start to go badly in the movie for Allie and family when he decides that he needs to show a block of ice to a tribe deep in the jungle that has never before seen ice. He believes this will blow their minds. Well, Allie, hate to disappoint you, but you didn't need to travel all the way into the deep jungle for that. You just needed to come to my backyard circa 2014. Let me explain.

Mind blown?
Photo credit: Darren Hester

I'd just finished hosting a party in my yard and I was cleaning up while my then 3-year old daughter was playing outside. I dumped the ice cubes from the bottom of the cooler onto a patch of garden thinking that the melt would help whatever was trying to grow there, then went back to tidying. About two minutes later, my daughter appeared at my side her hands full of the shiny cubes and said "look mommy, cold jewels!" At this moment I realized that she had never before seen ice. Was she momentarily impressed? Yes, she was. Did she think it was pretty neat? Yes, she did. Was her life forever changed because, according to Allie Fox, "ice is civilization?" No. She soon grew tired of the ice melting in her hands, dumped it back in the garden, and demanded to be shown Toopy and Binoo cartoons.

Ford's character is clearly unhinged, and suffering from mental illness. At the beginning of the movie he channels some of Han Solo's arrogance, but where Solo just keeps improving and making better choices, Fox keeps getting worse. He's blind to the needs of others, demands to be worshiped, and refuses to learn from anyone, but is the worst thing about his character the fact that he calls his wife Mother? Yes, yes it is.

I can't believe I have to complain about the credits of a movie again so soon after doing so about Stand By Me (shakes fist at patriarchy!), but DAME Helen Mirren's (fine, she wasn't a dame then, but it's coming) character is listed only as "Mother" in the credits. Not even "Mother Fox" which would at least allow you to pretend that she was a whimsical Wes Anderson character trapped in the wrong film. No, just Mother. Even the actor who plays Phoenix's younger brother who basically just whines about how much he hates his dad (understandable) gets a name! (Jadrien Steele plays Jerry Fox and does a fine job, don't come at me with your Jadrien Steele defense, I'm just saying HELEN MIRREN SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN A NAME!!!)

If anyone deserves a name, it is this goddess!
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore

 

You might have noticed that this post is a little light on the Phoenix commentary, and I could make an excuse about how he's in a supporting role and that's why, but the truth is, Harrison Ford, for all that his character frustrates you and you want to slap his smug stupid face when he calls his wife "Mother," is captivating. It's hard to watch anyone else; he dominates the screen when the camera is on him. It really is a tremendous performance, which isn't to say that Phoenix (and Mirren, and Plimpton) aren't also giving wonderful performances, but the movie belongs to Ford. But don't worry, there's more Phoenix coming your way because...

next up in our watch is the 1988 movie A Night In the Life of Jimmy Reardon. I haven't seen it before, and Phoenix plays the titular character, so I'm guessing he gets a lot of screen time. It could be terrible, but he's entering the swoop stage of his hair journey, so I'm optimistic. I suspect young Amy would be very excited about this one. Stay tuned possums!

Standing By

Possums! Welcome to the second installment in my journey to watch all of the late River Phoenix's movies, thereby becoming a Phoenix Completist. The 1986 movie Stand By Me was Phoenix's second feature film. Let that sentence sink in for a minute. The second movie you ever make becomes one of the classics of American film, and it's not like you've got some bit part, Agitated Boy #2 or something, you're one of the freaking leads!!!

Quick facts here for those living under rocks or born so late that this movie counts as a period piece (I mean, technically it is since it's set in the late 50s). The movie is directed by Rob Reiner and based on the Stephen King short story "The Body." Four boys from Oregon go on a two-day hike to find a dead body that they heard was in the woods. That's basically the whole plot, plus a loooooooooooot of daddy issues. 

Before I begin to ramble somewhat incoherently about what this movie made me think and feel (you can look forward to my analysis of trains, a moment when I feel a kindred connection to Phoenix, and I'll introduce you to a fun game I play when watching the credits), a huge shout out to the casting directors for this film, Janet Hirshenson and Jane Jenkins who managed to cast child actors without any duds. Phoneix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O'Connell all had decent careers post Stand By Me, and this movie also features a young Kiefer Sutherland as the bully AND a young John Cusack as the dead older brother (not a spoiler, he's dead from the beginning, and not the body that they go to find). I thought that was impressive.

So, the four main boys each strap a blanket to their shoulders and start walking, after telling their parents the always fool-proof 80s movie lie that they're all spending the night at someone else's house. No 80s parent checked on their children in any capacity ever, so that plot point holds up. They have all, however, neglected to bring food, so they pool their money and Wil Wheaton (his character has a name, I just don't care what it is) buys meat to make four hamburgers and four buns. This food somehow lasts them the entire two days and they never once complain about hunger. 

Clearly enough food for 4 people for 2 days

For some reason they take shelter in a junk yard with a known ornery owner and dog for a while, and they start squirting water out of their mouths into a bucket. Phoenix, I noticed, seemed to have a little trouble spitting the water, so I felt a kinship with him, as I too have had difficulty when required to perform a water stunt with my mouth on camera.

I was filming an intro scene for my husband's sketch comedy group years ago where I had to do a spit take right in his face (you can see it here at the 2:24 mark, then stayed tuned for about 8 seconds of me fake laughing. If that doesn't sound like a long time, you're wrong). It was just after the director first called "action" that I learned I had assumed I would be able to do a spit take on command, nay at all, but we all quickly realized how wrong I was. For one take I just opened my mouth and the large gulp of water I had taken ran freely down my chin while I made no attempt whatsoever to spit. Is doing a spit take hard? No, it is not, which made this realization all the more embarrassing. After multiple takes where I got worse instead of better, my dear friend and fellow actor Trent Wilkie stepped in as my spit-take double, so the shot in the skit where Sam is getting sprayed in the face with mouth water, well that's all the work of Trent (he got it in one take, the bastard). Anyway, seeing River Phoenix also have trouble with on camera spit work, I felt that, had we met, our bond would have been strengthened through this obvious connection.

Unattainable
(photo credit: Nick Looy, Pixabay)

I have seen Stand By Me once before, and I remembered exactly two scenes from it: the scene with the train on the trestle bridge, and the scene with the leeches. I will begin with the leeches, which to me is the one scene in the movie that truly feels like it belongs in a Stephen King story (I guess the dead body tracks too), because these leeches are enormous. I will refer to them (in a nod to director Rob Reiner who also directed The Princess Bride) as L.O.U.Ss - Leeches Of Unusual Size. They are enormous, and I know of what I speak here, because once a leech curled up for a nap in between my toes (if this sounds cute and you're saying "awwww" to yourself right now, stop it, because my terrified 9 year old self went scream thrashing through the creek where I had picked up this slumbering hitch hiker, attempting to remove it by kicking wildly in the air (not effective). Turned out the creature was not sucking my blood, simply taking advantage of the body heat produced between my toes) and my leech was about 1/16th the size of the ones in the movie. Maybe they breed them big in Oregon, who knows. Anyway, the leech scene is gross.

Appropriately sized leech
(photo credit: Bernard Dupont, Flickr)

The train scene on the trestle bridge was another memory I had from my first viewing, specifically I remembered the anxiety I felt watching it as Wesley Crusher and My Secret Identity have to get to the end of the bridge before the train smashes them. It's tense friends, especially when Jerry O'Connell lies on the tracks in fear while the train barrels towards them WASTING PRECIOUS RUNNING AWAY SECONDS!!! I managed to quell the tension for myself by 1) remembering that they survive, and 2) realizing that their attempt to get out of the way of the train reminds me exactly of me trying to get out of the way of the approaching chair lift during skiing when I have inevitably fallen down while trying to dismount gracefully. Every. Single. Time.

I won't get out of the way in time
(Photo credit: LoggaWiggler, Pixabay)

Trains feature heavily in this movie, and I've done no research but still feel confident in saying that the trains represent penises and daddy issues. It got me wondering what the female equivalent of this symbol would be in a movie about four young ladies on an epic quest. Would they just keep exploring mysterious caves? Would spelunking allow them a greater understanding of self?

Ooooo, mysterious jewel vagina cave
(Photo credit: Flickr)

Well, you don't need to worry about what it would be like for women in this movie, because there really aren't any. Before I launch into my next tangent about representation, let me start by saying that I don't think it's fair to dismiss or condemn movies from the past because they don't adhere to our modern notions, but I do think it's important to discuss the lack of representation because it helps us to see how we've got to where we are now with these issues. 

To start, there is not a single actor of colour in this movie. Now, it is set in Oregon which doesn't exactly have the most inclusive history, but the overwhelming whiteness of the movie stands out when viewed with modern eyes (I mean, I'm sure it stood out to many people who watched it in the 80s as well, particularly eyes that belonged to any person who wasn't white). 

Women fare only marginally better in this film in terms of representation. There are exactly four women characters listed: Mrs. Lachance, Waitress, Mayor's Wife, and Fat Lady. Notice anything about those credits? That's right, not a single woman in this movie is given a name. Stand By Me is clearly focused on the male experience, and when I watch movies like this, there's a little game I like to play during the credits called "When Will the First Woman Appear?" Basically, you take note of how long into the credits it will be before you see a woman's name. I called this one early, telling my husband that we wouldn't see a woman in the credits until Casting (I'm not sure why, but casting is a job that tends to be held by women in Hollywood), and it wasn't like the women started rolling by after that. In fact, there were so few women, and I was taking such careful note of them, that I was surprised when I saw the job title of "Lead Woman" flash across the screen.

Me, looking for the women in this movie
(Image credit: Mohamad Mohamad Mahmoud Hassan, Needpix)

"What is Lead Woman?" I shrieked in my husband's ear. "What does that mean?" Neither of us knew, and neither, it seemed, did Google, so my husband took to an online forum to inquire (side note, I am pleased to see how invested he has become in my completist project; we're in this together). It took until the next day for us to learn that the title is given to the leader of the Swing Gang on set (not, alas, a group of spunky swing dancers who jump, jive, and wail all over the production), and the title of the leader is either Lead Man, or, if the person happens to be a woman, well, you can figure that out. However, before I had that information, I asked my husband, in total sincerity, "do you think...is Lead Woman the person who is in charge of all the women?" It seemed viable to me that perhaps, Lead Woman was simply the woman wrangler on set. Perhaps an alpha uterus to sync up all of the menstrual cycles, or just a capable woman to lead the spelunking expeditions. Honestly, anything seemed possible at that point.

So women and people of colour don't get enough representation in the movie, and there are also some homophobic slurs bandied about playfully, although the movie does do a good job of depicting physical male friendships. Three of the four boys have a breakdown scene in the movie where they have to cry, and each time they are comforted physically by a friend, without any jokes about gayness, not even to diffuse the tension, so props for that. (Side note: I hope the boys were all treated well during the filming, because they had to go to some dark places emotionally, and I was a little worried for them. Given the overwhelming maleness of the movie, it had the potential to devolve into a real Lord of the Flies type situation. I hope it was a caring and nurturing experience instead).

Okay, enough of my meandering chaotically from thought to thought, let's talk about River!

(Photo credit: Alan Light, Flickr)

Even with the strong cast, it's pretty clear that Phoenix is a stand out in this movie (my husband used the word "smoldering" to describe him). The trajectory that his career took after this is not surprising, and I found myself wondering, I'm sure not for the last time, what he could have accomplished in his career had he lived past the age of 23. 

And what would young teen Amy have thought of Phoenix in this movie? Well, I did watch it when I was younger, and it didn't stick with me, and I now have to face the reality that it's possible most of my affection for Mr. Phoenix was really for his floppy hair cut (see above photo). Never forget, young Amy was very superficial. Brush cut Phoenix just wasn't my jam.

Next up in this adventure is a movie that I haven't seen before and know virtually nothing about, The Mosquito Coast, also released in 1986. I look forward to learning what hairstyle Phoenix has in this movie, and I'd like to thank you for standing by me (satisfied chortle) during this post. Until next time!

Next time, nothing but miles of these along the coast line!
(Photo credit: Pratheep PS)

  

Completist Aspirations

Hi, hello, welcome, are you ready to come with me on a little diversion? I know you're all here for my hot library takes, but I'm shifting my focus slightly, and thought I would bring you along for the ride. If you want, it's not like there's an actual vehicle that I'm refusing to stop. Free will, baby!

(Image Credit under Creative Commons: Franklinz01)

I've started working on an essay about my adolescent feelings for the late River Phoenix, actor, musician, and my first and strongest celebrity crush. As a result of this essay, I've been going down a few Google-holes and searching IMDB to establish timelines, and I have decided, in the interest of very professional research, that I need to watch all of River Phoenix's movies. I will then be a Phoenix Completist, and you better believe that I will include this information in EVERY bio I am ever asked to submit in the future.

I prepare to embark on some Very Serious Research

And so, to make best use of this important research (since not all of it will end up in the essay), I have decided to blog my journey of watching River Phoenix's movies here for you all. I have also enlisted the company of my husband to come along with me. At this point, he believes it will only be feature films, and that is how we'll begin, but I have plans, upon completing all the movies, to dive into Phoenix's television and mini-series work, which means we'll be watching titles such as It's Your Move, Backwards: The Riddle of Dyslexia, and the television remake of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. You'd better believe that alllllllllllll of these will be poor quality YouTube videos that someone uploaded from a nearly worn out VHS version. Hopefully I'll be able to tell which actor is River! My husband doesn't need to join me for these, as they will likely be very trying, but I may lord my Completist title as being superior to his if he doesn't. Which he likely won't care about at all. 

And so, with great excitement (on my part), we began the journey with the 1985 family-friendly movie Explorers, Phoenix's first feature film. He plays Wolfgang Müller, a barely pubescent nerd who provides all the science in the movie. He's friends with less-nerdy (but still nerdy) Ben played by Ethan Hawke. Quick summary: Ben dreams in mid-80s video game special effects, and discovers some formula or equation in his sleep, which Wolfgang programs into a computer, and it becomes a sphere of blue light that they can use to travel through space. A third boy who is "cool" joins them. They trash a drive-in concession stand, and are momentarily chased by the police, but the stakes remain low throughout. Eventually, they make it to space, but not after pursuing their first impulse upon gaining this power which is to look at boobs. To be clear, this movie in no way even attempts to pass the Bechdel test; it's a story for the lads. Once in space, there are aliens, and some problematic inter-species flirting with young Phoenix. Also, James Cromwell plays Wolfgang's dad!

Lights! Tunnels! 80s! Video Games!

I had not only never watched Explorers before, I hadn't even heard of it. Phoenix's bowl cut and aggressively 80s glasses likely wouldn't have appealed to 13 year old Amy who, I'm now remembering, was a little shallow. 1992 River Phoenix was peak Phoenix as far as I was concerned, so this is proto-Phoenix. I wondered, would 13 year old me have been more impressed with Ethan Hawke? He certainly had the right hair. To be clear, this Completist project is mostly about reflecting on my teenage feelings and superficiality, but I will point out that even in this movie which doesn't give him much, Phoenix is a very good actor. I'd like to believe that at least some of my feelings had to do with his great talent, not just his great face.

Phoenix Face (photo by Alan Light)

As the movie progressed, and the kids ended up in space, Sam turned to me and said "this is basically the same plot as Flight of the Navigator," another 80s movie that I had not seen (also a "boy movie"), so we paused to watch the trailer. Yes, they are very similar, and Explorers clearly paved the way for Navigator. Also E.T. would have been influential. This has been my very thorough movie analysis of 80s space travel movies. Nothing has been left out.

And so, the first movie in Phoenix's filmography has been watched. Would I have enjoyed it as an early teen, when I would have been close to Phoenix's age? Probably not, there was precious little for the girls in it. Also, Phoenix was convincingly dorky, and I had access to dorky guys at that age (when I say access, I mean that they sometimes spoke to me), so there was no fantasy there. Will all this change with our next film, the 1986 classic Stand By Me? You'll have to...stand by to find out! (Sorry.)

(image by mo68kl, Creative Commons)

Bad Deal

I am very bad at making deals. Thankfully, for the last decade or so, I have worked in a unionized environment where salary is standardized and not negotiable. At least, I don't think it's negotiable. I don't know because I've never asked because I'M BAD AT DEALS. I have accepted every starting salary ever quoted to me without question. I pay sticker price.

13 years ago, my husband Sam and I were planning a trip to Cuba. A friend who had been there before mentioned that they'd had to escort frogs out of their resort room each night; the frogs would jump in through the open windows. I have a problem with frogs. They're fine when they're just sitting there, all squat and warty, but then they release their spring-loaded legs and sproing right onto your face which I don't care for. I find them startling. I wasn't interested in removing them from my room on a nightly basis.

Those tucked in legs are a LIE!!!

And so I approached my husband with a deal, a deal that I thought was particularly generous to him. I told him that he would be in charge of dealing with any and all frogs that got into our room. I, in turn, would be responsible for dealing with any bugs. There were bound to be more bugs than frogs, including potentially unfamiliar and strange (read: creepy) ones, and, I told him graciously, I would take care of the disposal of all of them.

He pondered my proposal for longer than I felt necessary. What was there to think about?  He was clearly getting the better end of this arrangement. Finally, he spoke.

"But I don't mind bugs."

"Right," I answered, panic creeping in, "but you wouldn't have to worry about any of them!"

"I don't worry about them now," he said, his preternatural calm and composure, quite frankly, getting on my nerves. "You should have to deal with something that I don't want to deal with."

My husband, I learned in this moment, is good at deals.

"Well, what don't you want to deal with?" I asked. Would I be tasked with lizards? Small rodents? Recon missions to find the cleanest bathroom stall?

Sam considered this question for at least a minute before he said "you have to deal with talking to any people on the trip that I don't want to talk to. You have to be the buffer."

Well played sir.

I agreed. I took the deal that I knew was a bad one because I really didn't want to have to remove frogs. Also, I secretly believed the internal pressure to be a polite Canadian would be too much for Sam, and he wouldn't enforce that side of the deal.

I was wrong.

There was a team of French Canadian hockey players at the same resort as us, with some very over-bearing personalities among them. A couple approached us the first night, and after about two sentences, Sam just turned and left. No "excuse me", certainly no attempt to also extract me, just a straight shot to delicious mojitos at the bar. 

Drink of choice the whole trip!
(Photo from bbcgoodfood.com)

I continued nodding and murmuring little noises at this couple before I was also able to leave, a good five minutes later. Thankfully, Sam had a mojito waiting for me when I finally arrived at the bar.

We didn't see a single frog the entire trip.

An Update No One Has Asked For

Hello Possums! I'm just popping in to bring you all some news about Paul. You might remember Paul as he's been with me from the beginning, and was also the subject of a 2019 update, but you haven't heard about him in 2020 (probably because I've barely written anything here this year!).

This may be a short post, because I'm here to tell you no news is good news when it comes to a bunion. Paul has been in remarkably good temper these days, barely ever causing me to whimper in pain. At first I thought it was because my body clearly has remarkable healing abilities, but then I realized my lack of foot discomfort is all due to the pandemic.

On March 16 my office got sent home to continue our work there for the foreseeable future, and so March 16 marks the last day that I spent any kind of significant time in shoes. Paul (and I assume all bunions) doesn't like the confines of footwear, and without that constant pressure on him, turns out he's not as much of an asshole (there's likely deeper symbolism there...).

Now I'm not working in my pjs (although no judgement if you are), I'm changing into "work clothes" (a loose criteria, admittedly) every morning, but putting shoes on never occurred to me. Then I read an article on social media (okay, I read the headline, who am I trying to impress?) that recommended wearing shoes during your work day, even at home, to, I don't know, boost productivity?  It could have been an article like this one, or maybe like this one, but whatever it was, it featured a photo like this:

BAHAHAHAHA!!! (The sound of Paul and me laughing)

Now I don't wear shoes like that under any circumstances, but the idea of anyone putting those on to GO NOWHERE is, scientifically speaking, bananas.

When the weather was cold, Paul and I mostly hung out in these through the day.

Basically foot sleeping bags

Now that it's quite a bit warmer, Paul is free range, and I spend most days barefoot. Even when I leave my house for a walk or an errand, it's usually in sandals that afford Paul maximum comfort. 

There may end up being a lot of difficult adjustments when work-from-home ends and we have to go back into our offices, but for me, forcing Paul back into shoes might just prove too much. I may be a foot nudist from here on out, or at least a year-round sandal wearer (I can rock a winter socks and sandals look like you wouldn't believe). There's a lot of chaos and anxiety swirling around right now, mixed in with rather a lot of uncertainty and fear, but Paul has never been better. Small victories, wherever we can find them.

Return to the Library

On Friday March 13th I sat with my colleagues sorting out how we would move our work online and home as it seemed inevitable that we would soon be called to do so. Rumours began trickling in about other businesses and services that might also close.

"I need to get to the liquor store," my colleague said, just as I said, in the same panicked tone, "I need to get to the library." He gave me a look that made me understand our quarantine experiences would be very different.

The next day I had planned to take my kids to our library branch, but I came down with a brief and ferocious cold. Given that we were entering a pandemic state, I didn't think it wise to take my dribbly face out of the house, so my husband took our daughters to the library. They came back with two very full bags, beaming. "We took out 40 books!" my eldest told me proudly. "Excellent," I replied, although I wondered how long those would last.

True to form, a week later all the library books had been read. Thankfully we were able to set the girls up with Overdrive from the library, and their school provided them with Epic accounts, so the reading could continue. I also ordered online from a spectacular used book store in Elora that offered porch pick up.

The delightful Twice Loved Books, photo taken from their Facebook page

Flash forward to mid-June when I was chatting with my good friend and work-wife Lauren, and she casually mentioned that she'd heard the library would begin offering curb side pick up. All other discussions immediately stalled as I confirmed on the library website that my friend was not cruelly pranking me; library books were returning! I began putting titles on hold as Lauren tried desperately to return the conversation to its original intention. I wasn't much of a conversationalist after hearing the news I'm afraid (to be fair, she should have known. I believe she is one of my 7 blog readers).

Finally, the day arrived when I received my first (in a long time) email notification that a book I'd put on hold was ready for pick up. I arrived at the library and was greeted by a friendly librarian who walked me through the safety procedures before I entered. I gushed about how exciting the day was, overful with joy.

All you have to do is follow a few very reasonable safety precautions, and they will give you books! BOOKS!!!

I entered that wonderful building and waited for my turn to present my card and receive my book. I had expected to feel elated to be back in the library after 3 months, and I was, but an unexpected feeling began to creep in. As I looked around the space, usually bustling with people, I became melancholy in its stillness. There were only a handful of librarians hard at work, maintaining distance and wearing their protective gear. The beautiful atrium area, normally a place to sit down with a coffee and reading material, was of course empty. Don't get me wrong, I was (and am) thrilled to be able to get books again, but standing there I felt how much more the library is than just books. Even the books, as a collection, were unavailable, as when I'm feeling overwhelmed I like to just be among the books in the stacks, possibly the nerdiest thing about me. (That's not true, the nerdiest thing about me is the fact that I have my 14-digit library card number memorized for efficient hold management. Or maybe it's the fact that I have this blog.)

Not a gathering place for a while still.

The shelves of books that I cannot run my hands across.

It's going to be a very different summer for us with the library only available for brief pop-ins to pick up our material. There won't be any stops in after a hot summer walk to cool down, maybe join in an activity, or just sit together and read. And, of course, it'll be much harder for people who depend on that space as a cooling centre in the stifling heat of July and August. I'm so thankful for all the librarians working hard to bring us back books. And I can't wait until we can return to the space for more than just books, for the community it provides.

I'm Finally Writing About My China Trip!!!

Hello patient possums!

It's been four months since I was in China on a professional development trip, so I've owed you a post about it for about 3 months and 3 weeks (giving myself a little jet-lag recovery). What I'm saying is, this is very late in coming, and my apologies.

I visited Beijing and Xi'an with two of my lovely colleagues from work to get a better understanding of the Chinese student experience. We spent most of the trip touring university campuses and talking to colleagues there. The campuses were lovely, and many included a water element.

Beautiful pagoda

Series of bridges

I snapped a picture of the library at Beijing Jiatong University, but sadly our schedule didn't allow for a visit.

University library that I didn't go into

Our schedule was pretty packed, but we did manage to visit some incredible sights.

Yup, that's me on the Great Wall of China. You better believe I rocked that fanny pack the WHOLE trip!

The Forbidden City

Breathtaking Buddha in the Lama Temple

Having a sit at the Summer Palace

Either the drum temple or the flower temple in Xi'an

But what, I hear you ask, about the libraries? I'm slightly ashamed to admit that, even though our hotel in Beijing was quite close to the National Library of China, I didn't make it inside. This omission was partly because we did have a very busy schedule, but I also found the entrance requirements to the library a little intimidating. Our lovely tour guide Jack (Tao) told me that I would need to bring my passport and exchange it for a temporary card before I could enter the building. I was a little concerned about navigating that process in a non-tourist destination where, in all likelihood, my lack of Chinese language skills would be a problem. So the closest I got was this shot of me in front of the building.

Fun fact, that umbrella was pretty flimsy, but made for very lovely pops of colour in photographs

I don't feel too badly, though, because it turns out that I found little libraries everywhere! In the lobby of our first hotel in Beijing, I found this.

Mystery library?

To be clear, I don't know what the sign says, so maybe this isn't a library at all, but I suspect it's a "need a book, take a book, leave a book" kind of arrangement for travelers. Because I wasn't sure I didn't take anything, although there were a few English books that were tempting.

We popped into a convenience store/bubble tea emporium close to our hotel, and bam! Another library.

Surprise library

People were working, parents reading with their kids, it was great! No English titles that I could find though, so I just soaked up the atmosphere.

Another library snuck up on me when we were getting some coffee and tea for the bullet train ride back to Beijing (and yes, the bullet train was very cool).

A few customers were reading while they sipped their coffee

We also visited an INCREDIBLE bookstore in Xi'an. 

So many books!

Look at all the books!

They had a small section of English books, mostly classics, so I picked up a copy of Edith Wharton's The Age of Innocence as a souvenir.

That's some good reading right there

The bookstore featured, obviously, lots of books for purchase, but also had some library qualities, such as the children's area where staff members were reading books to the assembled little ones. (There was also, inexplicably, a substantial bulk popcorn area.)

Children being read to, not popcorn

And so I managed to find libraries throughout my travels, and got to spend some time among my beloved books.

Also, the food was pretty spectacular.

Everything in this meal was NOM NOM NOM!!!