Possums, I've clearly been neglecting this blog. It's been months since I went on and on about the fashion in Running on Empty. In my defense, I've started getting up really early to write, which means I have to go to bed really early (because I adore sleep), and so movies have become harder to find time for. Which, I recognize, hampers my River Phoenix Movie Completist project.
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| Accurate representation of me in the mornings Photo Credit: niyosstudio from Pixabay |
With a whopping running time of 2 hours and 8 minutes, I thought I might have to watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade over two nights, but possums, for you, I bravely completed it in one. No need to thank me.
Although in truth, for the purposes of this post, I probably could have stopped watching the movie twelve minutes and twenty seconds in. Because that's exactly how long River Phoenix is on screen. He plays young Indiana in the opening sequence, and then Harrison Ford takes over (and he's fine, I guess), and Phoenix is wrapped and off to film I Love You To Death (great movie which we'll talk about in, if history is any indicator, several months).
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| Whatever, he'll do Photo Credit: Freeimage4life |
So I'm going to focus mostly on those first twelve minutes. I won't say much about the rest of the movie because it's Indiana Jones - you probably have a pretty good idea of what you're in for. Do you like watching people punch Nazis, boat chases, piles of squirming sewer rats, and excessive repetition of the word 'penitent'? Then you'll like the movie. Fair warning, though, that women aren't treated terribly well (wait, there's misogyny in action movies? Shocking!), and the part where Indy and his Dad realize they've both slept with the same woman is gross and problematic. Okay, done.
Back to those first twelve minutes. We meet young Indiana, aged 13, according to Wikipedia. I would have watched this movie when I was 12 or 13, and I can assure you, none of the boys my age looked like that, but it's Hollywood, so I give it a pass. Indy is on a boy scout horseback riding trip in Utah, 1912. He explores some caves (as you do) with his less than courageous friend, and they stumble upon some bad men doing bad things to...treasure? There's treasure/artifacts in the cave, that's all you need to know.
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| Shiny! Photo Credit: Pixabay |
Indy's moral compass points due north, and he knows that these artifacts belong in a museum, so he tricks the men to get the treasure and then we are treated to an excellent chase sequence on a circus train that features a rhino wielding its horn as a weapon. Indy manages to escape and takes the artifact to the sheriff, who makes him return it to the bad men and their mysterious leader, played by a Harrison Ford impersonator (clearly the effect they're going for).
We also get a first glance, or rather a first hear, of Indiana's father, who's a cool cat more interested in Latin verbs than his son. All great set-up for the meat of the movie.
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| Spoiler - Sean Connery plays Indy's distant dad, and, further spoiler, by the end of the movie, they've grown closer! Photo Credit: Georges Biard |
I'm going to dig into all things Phoenix in a moment, but these twelve minutes form a fantastic mini origin story. Fans of the franchise are given so many gifts. In the caves, Indy's cowardly friend is spooked by a snake, but Indy picks it up calmly and chastises his friend. But wait, you say, Indiana Jones famously hates snakes! How could the screenwriter make such a mistake?
Fear not, friends, this is no mistake. Because in a few minutes we are going to see the event that causes Indiana Jones' ophidiophobia (that's the fancy word for fear of snakes, and in case you're about to be impressed, I had no idea what it was before googling 'what is a fear of snakes called' and then I had to check three times that I spelled it properly. Probably should have left this part out and let you all think I'm a freaking word genius, but here we are).
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| I hope you don't suffer from ophidiophobia. If you do, you will likely not appreciate how ADORABLE this little friend is! Photo Credit: Tony Alter |
On the circus train, Indy is trying to get away from the bad guys when the suspension bridge he's climbing across above the reptile car gives way, and he falls into a box of very wiggly snakes, thus the fear is born. The sequence also shows us how Indiana gets his start with a whip when he falls into the lion's car and grabs the whip hanging on the wall. The first crack strikes Indy, and we see blood on his chin, which explains the scar on Harrison Ford's chin (the actual scar, I have just learned from the internet, came from a far less interesting car crash).
We even see how Indy gets his iconic hat. The Harrison Ford impersonator gives him the famous Panama hat after Indy is forced to return the stolen artifact that should be in a museum. Bad Harrison Ford gifts him the hat presumably because he likes Indy's moxie.
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| Iconic Photo Credit: Gary Stewart |
Once Young Indy gets the hat, that's it for River Phoenix. Old Indiana Jones then spends 116 minutes fighting his way through Portugal, Venice, Germany/Austria, and Turkey. He travels by blimp at one point. There are worse ways to spend 116 minutes.
I'll speak briefly, as I always seem to, about Phoenix's hair, which is floppy and glorious and completely wrong for the period. A quick google search of men's hairstyles in 1912 shows us close cropped do's, mostly flattened to the scalp. No doubt styling products did big business in this era, so Phoenix's shaggy mop that falls dramatically in his face is anachronistic, but who cares, because this was exactly the way Young Amy always hoped River Phoenix looked in his movies. Zero disappointment from this corner.
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| I have just learned this River Phoenix action figure exists (thank you internet), and my life goal is now to obtain it. Look, he comes with snakes! SNAKES!!! Photo Credit: The Pop Culture Geek Network |
Regular readers of this blog (hi Mom, hi Dad!) will remember that we've seen the pairing of River Phoenix and Harrison Ford before. Phoenix played Ford's son in The Mosquito Coast. This time they're playing the same character at different ages, and Phoenix gets to give his best Harrison Ford impression, and as usual, shows great skills. He's very earnest and steadfast, just as you would hope 13 year old Indiana Jones would be. Also scrappy and quick-thinking. So good job, casting director Maggie Cartier!
This twelve minute opening sequence inspired an entire other franchise, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, a TV show beginning in 1992 and running two seasons, then spinning off into a series of four Family Channel TV movies. I remember when this show was on the air, but don't remember watching a single episode (I wasn't the only one - Wikipedia tells me it was cancelled due to large budgets and low viewership). Likely I was subconsciously protesting the casting, which featured Sean Patrick Flanery as Young Indiana, whom I will forever after refer to as the poor-man's River Phoenix. No shade intended (I'm sure he's a great actor), but there can only be one Young Indy. To be honest, I even resent Harrison Ford a little, and it was his part first. Flanery didn't stand a chance.
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| If my parents had bought me this chocolate marshmallow cereal, maybe I would have enjoyed a bowl while watching The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. I could have saved the show with my viewership! Missed opportunity. Photo Credit: tOkKa |
Despite feeling like the movie could have used a lot more Phoenix, I enjoyed my re-visitation of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It's a dude movie, to be sure, one that triumphantly fails the Bechdel test, but it's Indiana Jones! And, as far as I'm concerned, it's the definitive ending to the franchise, because we don't acknowledge the shameful disaster that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Next up, as I mentioned earlier, is I Love You To Death, the 1990 Kevin Kline comedy loosely based on a true story. I've seen it before, and remember enjoying it (Tracey Ullman is in it! She's incredible!). Phoenix, if memory serves, gets to play a bumbling doofus alongside Keanu Reeves. Right, it's all coming back to me now why Young Amy liked this movie so much.
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| Incredible Tracey Ullman with incredible 80's hair! Photo Credit: Alan Light |
You should watch it in the interim as well. Don't worry, you'll probably have several months to get to it before I'm back.
Until then, possums!
