The Hottest of Messes

The story of watching A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon begins with my quest to find the movie. Since we subscribe to eleventy-million streaming sites, I thought for sure it would be on one of them, but no luck. Fine, I thought, I'll rent it, but neither Amazon nor iTunes carried the title. Will I have to buy this movie? I said to myself. My search on Amazon yielded a VHS copy that could be mine for the sweet, sweet price of $52 USD. Since I don't even have a VHS player, this was not a viable option.

A portent of things to come
Photo Credit: Toby Hudson

At this point my husband took over the search because he is better at internetting than I am. He was able to find a DVD copy for the more reasonable price of $12 that could ship from the UK. He ordered it, but then had another look online, and Vimeo offered up the director's cut, available for streaming. Thankfully he was able to cancel the DVD order because, spoiler alert, no one needs two ways to watch this movie!

But wait, the version we found online was titled Aren't You Even Gonna Kiss Me Goodbye?. Is this even the same film? It stars River Phoenix, so I was committed, as either way it is required viewing for my completist project.

I came into this movie knowing virtually nothing about the film. All my assumptions were gleaned from this poster.

Highly misleading

This is clearly an 80s high-school romp comedy, yes? That is what I went in expecting, but I was the victim of sleazy Hollywood marketing, because this movie is NOT what it appears. 

Here's where I stopped to wonder if the director's cut that we watched deviated so significantly from the theatrical release as to feel like an entirely different movie. Of course, the way to solve this problem would be to watch the theatrical release (if it can be found), but that would mean watching the movie again, and that is just...something I'm not prepared for. 

Some quick Googling has led me to believe that the theatrical release doesn't deviate in plot, perhaps only in tone, and one reviewer suggested that the director's cut is significantly better than the theatrical release, and the director's cut is so very terrible that I need to never watch this movie again.

A quick summary: Phoenix plays the titular Jimmy Reardon, a pretentious 17 year old beat poet who is in love with Lisa's breasts Lisa. But Lisa won't immediately yield to him in the yard outside her parent's house, and so Jimmy has no choice but to have sex with EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE MOVIE! Here's an actual line from the movie that is used to justify Reardon putting his penis in any and all available holes - "a vague insistence came from my lap." A vague bit of puke just came from my stomach.

He has a best friend named Susie, who you know is his best friend because he says "Susie is my best friend," despite the fact that they have almost no scenes together, exchange perhaps three or four lines, and it is absolutely irrelevant to the plot that they are friends. But still, we know, because of that sparkling dialogue.

The movie (and this may be the director's cut only) is narrated by Jimmy, except Jimmy, confusingly, sounds like a 56 year old smoker who owes you money.

Also, this movie introduced Matthew Perry.

Listen, if you haven't guessed yet, this movie is an incoherent and indulgent pile of absolute garbage, and I'm going to dive into some of the worst offences. If this is as far as you make, your take away should be that you should never watch this movie. Please let my suffering have been for something.

Is this a pile of garbage or A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon?
Doesn't matter.

Nothing is examined in this movie. It's ostensibly about class and wealth (Reardon's family is working-class and he has to pay for college; his friends are all rich), but the movie doesn't look beyond Reardon feeling that a great injustice has occurred in the world because he isn't fabulously wealthy without putting in any work. The only people of colour are literal servants, and that problematic situation is left un-examined. 

And the women! Jimmy claims to love Lisa and want to be with her, but fondles every breast he sees, and never feels remorse, never examines how he treats women. Does he make a horrendous "joke" about raping Lisa to try and make another dude angry? Yes he does. Does he chase Lisa and pin her to the ground when she wants to get away from him? Oh yes he does. It's not just Phoenix's character who has such contempt for women either. At one point, Jimmy's dad calls him a "son of a bitch," which is a lot to unpack. Jimmy's mother just sighs and returns to the stove. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

About two thirds of the way through the movie my husband asked me if I thought people actually talked like this in the 1960s, and I said, "this movie is set in the 80s," and that's when I learned that I had missed a title card at the beginning telling us that it was 1962 AND I HAD NO IDEA.

I'll give the word on the 1962 setting to Rotten Tomatoes commenter Pete Vonder Haar:

He's right about the hair, but wrong in his generous rating

The movie was released in 1988 but filmed in 1986 which means Phoenix was 16, possibly 17, when it was shot. Knowing this makes the already awkward sex scenes (and there are many) that much more difficult to stomach. I'm going to go on the record here that 17 year olds should never film sex scenes. I'm not saying that characters that age shouldn't be having sex, but dear god, don't make these poor children pull of their shirts and simulate unwieldy pelvic thrusts. No one needs that.

At one point I jotted down in my notebook that I wasn't rooting for anyone in this movie, and then I reflected on whether this movie might be the hairshirt I must endure, although it's unclear what I'm being punished for.

It also occurred to me that a 1980s movie with stilted unrealistic dialogue, multiple awkward and prolonged sex scenes, and a main character who screams "LISA!!!!" might be a precursor to Tommy Wiseau's 2003 film The Room. I have to believe Wiseau watched A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon and thought "yes, there's some good stuff in here."

You're Tearing Me Apart Lisa!

I hope that even boy-crazy teenage Amy would have had problems with this movie. Indeed, it might have lessened the glow that I saw around Phoenix in those days. But, in all likelihood, I would have just enjoyed his hair and seeing him without his shirt on. For remember, teenage Amy was quite superficial. 

I am hoping that A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon is the lowest point in my journey to watch all of River Phoenix's movies. Dear god, I hope it can't get worse than that. Next up is another film I've never seen and know nothing about, Little Nikita. Based on this trailer...

I am cautiously optimistic. 

1 Star: Misleading Title, Not Enough Mosquitos

Look, in a movie called The Mosquito Coast, I expect to at least once see someone swatting away a huge swarm of mosquitos buzzing around their head, maybe ingesting a few and then heaving in that really unattractive way we all do when we eat a bug. I figured there would at least be a sub-plot about malaria, but no, The Mosquito Coast contains none of that!

Imagine this coming at you. You'll have to imagine, because it isn't in the ding-dong movie!
Photo credit: Bill Gaultiere

This very serious and not-at-all frivolous complaint aside, The Mosquito Coast is a good movie, and you should watch it if you haven't already (heck, watch it again, I'll bet it holds up!). This post will contain only mild spoilers mostly pertaining to River Phoenix's character Charlie, so feel free to keep reading even if you haven't seen it. 

This movie is from 1986, so it's the same vintage Phoenix as Stand By Me (but this movie features, sadly, less Phoenix). Quick summary: Harrison Ford plays Allie Fox, River Phoenix's dad, and an inventor who thinks he's better than everyone, and is fed up with aspects of life such as having to do the job he was actually hired for, and not being able to buy products that were made in the USA! So, despite the many indications that this will not go well, he packs up his family (literally leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen sink) and takes them all by boat into the jungle where he can indulge in his white saviour fantasies and pontificate on the spiritual importance of ice. Allie is the worst kind of dude who thinks he's more open-minded and evolved than everyone else, but is really a racist a-hole.

I hadn't seen this movie before, and didn't know anything about it. In fact, based on my quick glance at this movie poster

I thought the movie starred Nick Nolte, even though it clearly says Harrison Ford above the title (Nick Nolte would have been a very bad choice for the role). When I learned from the credits that this movie also starred Helen Mirren and Martha Plimpton I said "yes please!" Although I would soon learn that even with these two powerhouse women, the film sadly, just like Phoenix's other two movies we've reviewed so far, does not pass the Bechdel Test. I still liked it, but stay tuned for my feminist complaint about Mirren's character.

Early teenaged Amy would have been enthralled by the possibility of romance that is suggested between Plimpton and Phoenix, however we will need to wait until the excellent Running on Empty to actually see that romance in action (fun fact, we also get to see Phoenix and Ford together again in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Phoenix plays a young Indy). Plimpton plays the daughter of a missionary, and she and Phoenix meet on the boat taking them to the jungle. Her flirting technique is flawless. She begins by simply offering herself to Phoenix as a girlfriend (he does not respond). She then lays down the excellent come-on line of "I think about you when I go to the bathroom." She is so committed to this line that she mouths it to him again once they have arrived and are about to go their separate ways. I am stunned that her approach didn't work, but I encourage all of you looking to snag a partner to try out her line. And then please, please, tell me what happens.

We see Plimpton only once more, near the end of the movie, when things are going poorly for Phoenix. He sneaks up to talk to her, at which point she declares "you look disgusting, you got smaller, and your hair is gross." Even though she is only on screen for a few brief minutes, I love everything about Plimpton's character. Had I seen this as a younger person, it's possible I would have tried to emulate her. It would have gone terribly.

Things start to go badly in the movie for Allie and family when he decides that he needs to show a block of ice to a tribe deep in the jungle that has never before seen ice. He believes this will blow their minds. Well, Allie, hate to disappoint you, but you didn't need to travel all the way into the deep jungle for that. You just needed to come to my backyard circa 2014. Let me explain.

Mind blown?
Photo credit: Darren Hester

I'd just finished hosting a party in my yard and I was cleaning up while my then 3-year old daughter was playing outside. I dumped the ice cubes from the bottom of the cooler onto a patch of garden thinking that the melt would help whatever was trying to grow there, then went back to tidying. About two minutes later, my daughter appeared at my side her hands full of the shiny cubes and said "look mommy, cold jewels!" At this moment I realized that she had never before seen ice. Was she momentarily impressed? Yes, she was. Did she think it was pretty neat? Yes, she did. Was her life forever changed because, according to Allie Fox, "ice is civilization?" No. She soon grew tired of the ice melting in her hands, dumped it back in the garden, and demanded to be shown Toopy and Binoo cartoons.

Ford's character is clearly unhinged, and suffering from mental illness. At the beginning of the movie he channels some of Han Solo's arrogance, but where Solo just keeps improving and making better choices, Fox keeps getting worse. He's blind to the needs of others, demands to be worshiped, and refuses to learn from anyone, but is the worst thing about his character the fact that he calls his wife Mother? Yes, yes it is.

I can't believe I have to complain about the credits of a movie again so soon after doing so about Stand By Me (shakes fist at patriarchy!), but DAME Helen Mirren's (fine, she wasn't a dame then, but it's coming) character is listed only as "Mother" in the credits. Not even "Mother Fox" which would at least allow you to pretend that she was a whimsical Wes Anderson character trapped in the wrong film. No, just Mother. Even the actor who plays Phoenix's younger brother who basically just whines about how much he hates his dad (understandable) gets a name! (Jadrien Steele plays Jerry Fox and does a fine job, don't come at me with your Jadrien Steele defense, I'm just saying HELEN MIRREN SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN A NAME!!!)

If anyone deserves a name, it is this goddess!
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore

 

You might have noticed that this post is a little light on the Phoenix commentary, and I could make an excuse about how he's in a supporting role and that's why, but the truth is, Harrison Ford, for all that his character frustrates you and you want to slap his smug stupid face when he calls his wife "Mother," is captivating. It's hard to watch anyone else; he dominates the screen when the camera is on him. It really is a tremendous performance, which isn't to say that Phoenix (and Mirren, and Plimpton) aren't also giving wonderful performances, but the movie belongs to Ford. But don't worry, there's more Phoenix coming your way because...

next up in our watch is the 1988 movie A Night In the Life of Jimmy Reardon. I haven't seen it before, and Phoenix plays the titular character, so I'm guessing he gets a lot of screen time. It could be terrible, but he's entering the swoop stage of his hair journey, so I'm optimistic. I suspect young Amy would be very excited about this one. Stay tuned possums!